we have officially lost it.
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
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