I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Randomize
