I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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