Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
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