Duck Duck Cougar?
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
