Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Randomize
