Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
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