I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Randomize
