If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
