when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
