come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
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