My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
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