my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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