i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
