my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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