My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
