Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
