I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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