4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
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