Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
