Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Randomize
