Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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