Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
My Higher Power is John Stamos
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Randomize
