He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Randomize
