Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
