how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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