this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
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