my room smells like sperm. sweet.
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
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