This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
Its like we are women, and boise state is a gangster rap song. This game is degrading
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
