my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Randomize
