i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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