just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Randomize
