not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
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He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
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So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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