Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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