Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
