we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
