Fine. I'll sleep in my office
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
