TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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