I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Randomize
