I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
