Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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