I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
