I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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