Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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