Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
