walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Randomize
