Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
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