I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
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