Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
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