the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
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