Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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