Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
