I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Randomize
