Me. At least after what I've been through.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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