well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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