I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
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