I bet he comes in French.
That's when you crack a 10am beer
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
