Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
