you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
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