I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
