On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
Where is the hickey?
I got her a Nickelback box set.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
