I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
