sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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